I really didn’t want to talk about this, but I have to get the words out before they eat me up inside.
Infertility is a pretty traumatizing thing to have to deal with.
Month after month of getting your hopes up and being let down. It’s a cycle of what-ifs leading to negative outcomes.
Each month, the same routine. Hoping and waiting until shark week arrives. And now, 5 years later, working towards year 6, we understand our options and we have our own ideas of how we will figure it out.
But I have to tell you. There is nothing worse than false hope.
Getting your hopes up to be let down is one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences I’ve ever had to deal with.
False hope can break families. It can break people.
It can create self-image and self-worth problems, it can create depression and a state of mind that you just can’t shake.
False hope is almost as bad as it can get.
She’ll probably hate me for even mentioning this, but maybe not since she loves to blast drama on social media…and I won’t name any names, but I recently had someone offer to carry a child for us, and what a big deal this was and still is.
To clarify, this person offered to us. We never asked. Not once.
When we weren’t ready to give an immediate answer, this person pressed and pressed and pressed until we did give our decision.
We knew a mediator and legal discussions would be needed. We knew that a lot had to happen and that it was not a decision to be made lightly.
We told her we needed time to discuss it. This was a huge decision that wouldn’t be made overnight.
Once we said YES to a mediator, we still needed time to discuss the child. A mediator was always the first plan and an adoption agency would be needed to discuss the legality of it all.
This person sent me website links to a local mediator near her and I told her that I would see what the VA offers in regards to their free legal services.
Now, there was no scheduled meeting, yet, and nothing set in stone. But, as you can see, there absolutely was the beginning of a plan starting.
A week went by, then another week later, after being asked and asked and asked, we said YES to her offer. To all of it.
Then, like two days later, she tells me she can’t do it.
Let alone that she offered this to us.
Let alone she pushed us towards a decision.
Let alone she was talking on the phone to me, where she even commented that she could hear the happiness in my voice.
Let alone the pain she’s caused us, the depression and anxiety and pain.
Let alone this false hope.
This person offered false hope for a family.
This person offered false hope that we could have a child this year.
This person offered false hope that our search for answers or a solution had ended.
This person offered false hope and then took it all away.
This is where her tone in conversation changed and she began to blame us for the feeling of false hope and the sadness that she caused.
She blamed us for it all.
She blamed us, saying we were wrong for misunderstanding.
She blamed us, saying we didn’t understand because we don’t have kids. A nice jab at the heart considering the situation and topic.
She blamed us, saying we never fully agreed to anything… but the plans to meet a mediator in the next month or so had been discussed. There was plenty we had discussed that she now acts as if it didn’t happen.
She blamed us, saying that we got our hopes up prematurely. Of course, our hopes were up? When you harass someone for an answer, you kind of assume that the harasser is in it 100%. She was adamant and eager, she was willing and wanted our decision, and then she backed out once we agreed.
She blamed us, trying to change the agreement terms we had only mentioned on the phone, suggesting that they *may have* wanted joint custody, when we had clearly stated that the child would be ours, not hers. Joint custody was never discussed. We discussed that the child would know the birth parents, but they would never be Mom and Dad to my child. This child would have been made from love for a family who couldn’t conceive, not made for an extended family or summers with their family. Yes, she’d give birth, but that would be it. No legal rights and no say in the upbringing.
She blamed us, bringing up her worry of depression and her postpartum from her other childbirth experiences, worrying about how she would take it on birthdays or how milestones would affect her negatively. Let alone all the birthdays or milestones we will not experience by not having kids. Let alone the depression I have gone through for the last 5 years of trying to conceive and failing. Let alone how we feel.
She blamed us and she twisted it to make herself feel better. To let herself off the hook. To feel less guilty about what she’s done, I guess. Blaming us for getting excited, but who can blame us? She was so willing to do this selfless act that she wouldn’t leave us be to make this HUGE decision. She complained after a week of us discussing it, wanting our answer quicker than we were ready to give it.
Then, the pointing fingers and offering up other options came.
Why didn’t we get a sperm donor? Why didn’t we turkey baste our way to a child? What about invitro? She had offered her husbands sperm many times, and I just laughed it off.
Her reasoning was that she didn’t want to take away me being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth for myself. She forgets we’ve tried for 5 years and we have discussed and thought about EVERY option already.
I have come to terms with not carrying a child, I don’t need to change my mind based on her opinion.
I didn’t need suggestions on what to do with our infertility. You think we decided this path because we had to?
This was not her decision. Our fertility plan only included her when she offered a child to us. She does not get a say about whether I become pregnant or not and she does not get to decide how we begin our family. That decision is for us and no one else.
And now, it has been over a month since we spoke, and the chaos is still there.
There has been no apology.
No shame in offering something of this magnitude only to dangle the thought in front of us, for her to take it away.
I’ve been called names.
I’ve been accused of things. She’s even accused mutual friends of stalking her for me when in reality I have her blocked on every social media site for a reason…?
I’ve been told I’m trapped in my own home where I have nothing to my name.
I’ve been told that I’m not ‘parent material’.
I’ve been told that I’m not even ‘Aunt material’.
I’ve been told the kids I love and have cared about since day one, that they do not know me or care about me. I’ve been told that I won’t see them again and that I should feel proud for causing this? In reality, this is not how you treat your kids, keeping them hostage from people that care about them. But what do I know, since I’m not a parent?
I’ve been told I’m in the wrong, that my mental health is an issue. Mind you, this comes from the person who helped to create my mental instability through 2 years of harassment and blackmail, not only by herself but from her husband and best friend as well. I have the harassment charge paperwork I submitted to the courthouse to prove it.
I’ve been told that because I like to move into a better house when we can afford it, that we are unreliable. In reality, how is moving and making money on a home a negative?
I’ve been told that I am an alcoholic, she’s been trying to sell that lie for a few years now. I get bashed for going and seeing live music, that I am only there for the booze.
I’ve been threatened with restraining orders when I have not contacted this person but once. Let alone the harassment charges I got on her a little over a year ago…
I’ve been put down for ‘only having a beauty school & cosmetology license’ but lest they forget I also have my Bachelors in Communication and Journalism, as well as a phlebotomy license and an IV tech license…all while battling not one, but two chronic illnesses and having up to 50 doctors appointments in a year. I don’t find shame in my education and I don’t find shame in my career paths. I have had medical issues that have prevented me from working phlebotomy, my hands hurting and needing surgery, and I moved states where my cosmetology license didn’t transfer. But, to them, that’s nothing.
I’ve been told that we will NEVER have children and we will NEVER know parenthood. I’ve been told that I’m selfish even, because we made decisions she doesn’t agree with.
And I’ve been told that I just don’t understand because I’m not a mother, that I never will be.
Since her backing out, we haven’t talked until yesterday and today. I told her she owed us an apology, but she doesn’t see it that way.
My only words of advice: Don’t offer up something so huge unless you are sure you are not going to back out.
Don’t offer things you cannot give and do not give hope to those who are vulnerable and who will get their hopes up, just to be let down.
Just. Don’t. #endrant
Oh, and for those who like, I have full screenshots available. No, I wasn’t always nice but neither was she. Things got ugly quick and I’d rather spare you.
I have every right to share this.
I have every right to my opinions.
I named no names intentionally and I kept it as anonymous as possible.
For those retaliating – claiming I’m defaming you and you’re willing to get a ‘cease and desist’ based on this blog (HA!) – if you don’t like what I have to say, then why are you still reading, sharing, and following my blogs?
Thanks to the haters for the extra blog traffic, anyway!