I’m Tired – August 25, 2023

August 25, 2023

Can I be real for a moment?

Sometimes I cry.
I try really hard not to.
I try to give my all to everything and everyone.
And I often feel that I don’t matter.
I’m up at night tossing with anxiety and depression.
Body dysmorphia.
PTSD.
When I get low, I get low.
I cry myself to sleep when I’ve not knocked myself out with melatonin.
I’m extremely hard on myself.
I tell myself I’m the worst and not worthy.
I tell myself I deserve the punishments and pain I feel.
A lot.
Most days I think I hate me.
I’m trying to fight those battles.
But, I’m losing.
I hurt – inside and out.
All the time.
I’m tired.
But I still try to give my all.
I laugh with my heart and I love hard.
Sometimes I care too much.
And I tell myself I feel too much.
Sometimes everything is just too damn much, including me.
So I apologize.
I apologize for everything all the time.
Or I go quiet.
And I’m sorry for that, too.
I try to keep things to myself.
I tell everyone, including myself, that I’m fine.
And then I pull myself together.
And I cold roll my swollen eyes and try to move forward.

Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it ain’t heavy.

I’m a mess.
I have breakdowns.
And I’m sorry for that, too.
But I’m here.

But it’s okay to ignore me. Just a little in my feels today and words help. I need to shake these feelings & mentality.

But you know me, I’ll boot and rally, as always, with a smile on my face. 💚🍀 It could be worse.