What Am I Afraid Of?

This week sucked, to be completely honest and keep it simple.  Anything and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and it is only Thursday.  There are still 2 more days with opportunity for me to fail, but let’s hope not.

We missed a friend’s wedding, and we missed Mother’s day lunch, and that started another week for us.  I am afraid that I am just a major let down in these moments. (See Another Week)

I lost a ‘friend’ this week, over something minuscule, but a lie is a lie, and I don’t deal well with that drama.  I am afraid she will never return what belongs to me and that we were never friends, to begin with.  Funny how time changes people.

I have yet to schedule the Double Balloon procedure, even after calling twice, and my symptoms are getting worse.  I am afraid it will only continue to get worse, and I can only imagine how bad it will be. (See The Last Time I Cried)

I find myself only eating one ‘real’ meal a day, only for it to hurt my stomach within minutes.  I have to ‘pick and choose’ what I eat because sometimes the food is not worth the stomach pain it causes.  I have had more and more nausea and vomiting, and I found myself awake around 2 AM some mornings this week with severe stomach pain and issues.  I am afraid that food has become my enemy #1.

This week will mark my 2 months on Budesonide, and I still feel that my Crohn’s disease is not going into remission.  If anything, it’s getting worse.  I am afraid these issues will never get better.  I do have people tell me daily that they “Hope I get better”, and I appreciate it.  I still don’t know how to reply, though, because Crohn’s has no cure. (See My Crohn’s Journey)

The hubs had his semen analysis this week, we have no pending results yet. We hope for results before my next fertility appointment on the 27th.  With my luck, the infertility is probably my fault.  I am afraid his ‘sample’ will be fine, with lots of swimmers, and the issue lies within me, just like every other damn medical issue it seems.  Why wouldn’t the problem be with my broken body? (See Infertile Myrtle)

I am afraid of having my tubes checked; I hear it can be painful if there are blockages.  I am afraid that my eggs are ‘rotten’, as they’ve been so hatefully pointed out to me.  I am afraid that nothing can be right with my body.

I am afraid if the problem is male infertility, that he will no longer want children.  I am afraid that if the problem is within me, that it’s irreparable.

I am afraid the chance that there is NO chance for us in terms of having kids, it’s been so long already.  And if we are barren, I am afraid we will never be able to look into other options; the VA does not offer IVF or IUI, and paying out of pocket is out of the question. (Update: So You’re Sayin There’s A Chance)

I am afraid that I will not be keeping my promise to my husband or myself; I had a crazy idea about having 10 kids when we first got married!  I wanted a house full!  I am afraid of not giving him the children he wants and deserves.  I am afraid that I will not be living up to my own goals of being a mother someday.  I am afraid of what this will do to our marriage.  I am afraid of what it has done to our marriage already.

I am afraid of my pain giving others happiness, and I am afraid that I won’t be able to get past it if it comes to a guaranteed ‘No’ for me. I am afraid of wanting something that will never happen.

I am afraid of everything, and nothing.  I am afraid of letting the little things get me down, and I am afraid I care too much.  I am afraid of never understanding others, and I am afraid of not being understood myself.  I am afraid of people who intentionally hurt others, and I am afraid of people who pretend to care.  I am afraid of never speaking to people again, and I am afraid of being spoken about.


The Best Fur Baby in the World!

Other Medical Updates:  I went to the dermatologist last Thursday, and was prescribed medicines for my skin issues.  

I began wearing a hand splint/brace on my right hand because I won’t be seeing Occupational Therapy until later this month – I think they think my hand pain will just go away?

I did join my first Fun-Run – 5K for IBD, Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness on June 15, 2015.  Registration can be done anywhere, and there includes a Virtual option.  This means I can run/walk/do whatever I want, whenever I want, and support the cause.  I am NOT a runner, but I guess I have to try!!

Fingers crossed for positive news, I need it.

But, I guess, It Could Be Worse.

More Info On Crohn’s Disease at www.CCFA.org & CrohnsandColitis.com & crohnsdisease.com

For more information about infertility and the VA, please visit Resolve & VA.Gov

Baby Horsley Fund Now Open at Go Fund Me

May is also the month of IBD Awareness and May 19th is World IBD day.  Everyone is encouraged to GO PURPLE for the day to show support.

Link to join: Cure4ibd.org 

Previous Post: The Three People You Meet After Diagnosis &  Mary & Philip

Images from my Pinterest

Also Found on Huffington Post

19 thoughts on “What Am I Afraid Of?

Add yours

  1. I’m not 100% familiar with your infertility issues (I’ll make my way to that post next!) but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. We struggle with infertility (100% my body). I’m a part of a community that is amazing- who knows, maybe you’re a part of it too and I just don’t know. The women on this forum are so knowledgeable and I just have a zillion things I want to say to you right now but I don’t want to overwhelm you! Please, please reach out to me if you want to talk. (((Hugs))) the first SA was hard on my husband as well. I’ve had multiple procedures including to check for blocked tubes– not bad at all, I promise. You got this. More (((hugs)))!!!! Infertility is a mind fuck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I cannot thank you enough for reading and sharing. It really is a major mind game. Its stressful, but hopefully we get it all figured out. The worst part is waiting. By all means, I am always willing to talk too! *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing. Sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I need to read your original posts too. 🙂 hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can just feel your mind racing and ruminating on all these worries you have. You must be terrified. you have no doubt also learned that stress is probablythe worst enemy of Crohn’s Disease. 😦
    I certainly see that in my husband and son. It hits them quickly too. I hope you can find a way to quiet your thoughts and find some peace. For my son it has been his music. When Logan was thirteen he started taking guitar lessons. When he was 14 he was diagnosed with CD. His music had been such a blessing to him through all this. If he is feeling bad or stressed he can almost always pick up his guitar and find relief. 🙂
    And add if you haven’t heard this one too many times…. “Hang in there”.

    Additionally, I love your hair!
    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and sharing. I know it’s hard typo just not think about it or dwell on it all day, but it takes over every aspect. I hope your guys find relief permanently, it’s a struggle getting it out of flares. Thank you so much! *hugs* And thanks, I cut it myself! Ha!


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